Saturday, November 14, 2009

Kobe Bryant's killer instinct by Chad Ballard?

A great moment in humility it was not.





After scoring 25 of his 27 points in the second half of Game 1 of the Western Conference finals last week against the San Antonio Spurs, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant said of his strong finishing kick, "I can get off" -- that is, score at will -- "at any time. In the second half I did that."





Granted, Bryant was just being honest, but tact would dictate that he let others say such things about him. As you may have noticed, though, Bryant isn't big on tact. Time and again over the last decade he has announced the particulars of his awesomeness. As teammate Luke Walton dryly puts it, "Kobe does not lack for confidence."





Just as Bryant's bravado irks some -- O.K., many -- it also makes him riveting to watch when he does get off: Like the man himself, the manner in which he bears down is never subtle. Spurs forward Bruce Bowen, Bryant's foil these many years, says there's no indicator of an impending scoring binge, joking that you can't tell "by the way he chews his gum or something." But that's not true at all. Rather, his eruptions are almost comically predictable. Former teammate Devean George, now with the Dallas Mavericks, speaks of "that Kobe face where he starts looking around all pissed off." His coach at Lower Merion High in Ardmore, Pa., Gregg Downer, says he can recognize this expression even on TV. In these moments Bryant's youthful impudence, which flummoxed Del Harris when he was L.A.'s coach during Bryant's first two years in the league, resurfaces. "Kobe would put it on the floor and start going between his legs, back and forth, back and forth," says Harris, "and only then would he decide what to do."





So there was Kobe on May 21, with the Lakers down 20 in the third quarter and the L.A. crowd starting to boo, whipping the ball between his legs and shaking his noggin at Bowen like some enormous, ticked-off bobblehead. What followed seemed, in retrospect, inevitable: the deep jumpers, the twisting drives, the scowls and, finally, a cold-blooded Bryant pull-up in the lane with 23.9 seconds left to cap the 89-85 comeback win. Watching him manhandle the game, you could feel the series tilting westward, and indeed the Lakers were up two games to one after a 101-71 blowout last Friday and a 103-84 loss in Game 3 on Sunday.





Call it what you will: killer instinct, competitive fire, hatred of losing or, as Boston Celtics reserve guard Sam Cassell once said, "that Jordan thing." It's what has spurred Bryant all these years, what the Lakers will rely on if they are to win their first post-Shaq championship, what separates Kobe from the rest of the NBA. In 2002 Bryant said, "There's only two real killers in this league," meaning himself and Michael Jordan. Well, now there is only one. And it ain't Fabricio Oberto.





Because Kobe is Kobe, however, he cannot (or will not) soften his edge, the way Jordan did with his buddy-buddy NBA friendships, his who-would-have-thunk smirk or his endorsa-riffic smile. With Bryant, it manifests itself during practice, during games, during summer workouts, during conversation. Even in his dreams he is probably swatting a Connie Hawkins finger roll into the third row. "He can't turn it off, even if he tried," says George, one of a handful of NBA players relatively close to Bryant. And for that Kobe has often been pilloried. But is this really fair? "Kobe wants it so badly that he rubs an awful lot of people the wrong way," says Lakers consultant Tex Winter, the guru of the triangle offense, who has known Bryant since 1999. "But they're not willing to understand what's inside the guy."





O.K., then, let's try to understand. Starting at the beginning, moment by basketball moment.





It's 1989, and Bryant is 11 years old and living in Italy, where his father, Joe, is playing professional basketball. One day Kobe bugs Brian Shaw, a Boston Celtics first-round pick playing in Rome because of a contract dispute, to go one-on-one. Eventually Shaw agrees to a game of H-O-R-S-E. "To this day Kobe claims he beat me," says Shaw, now a Lakers assistant. "I'm like, Right, [I'm really trying to beat] an 11-year-old kid. But he's serious." Even back then Shaw noticed something different. "His dad was a good player, but he was the opposite of Kobe, real laid-back," says Shaw. "Kobe was out there challenging grown men to play one-on-one, and he really thought he could win."





It's early 1992, and Bryant is an eighth-grader in the suburbs of Philadelphia, skinny as an unfurled paper clip. He is playing against the Lower Merion varsity in an informal scrimmage. The older teens are taken aback. "Here's this kid, and he has no fear of us at all," says Doug Young, then a sophomore. "He's throwing elbows, setting hard screens." Bryant was not the best player on the floor that day -- not yet -- but he was close.





It's 1995, and Bryant is the senior leader of the Lower Merion team, obsessed with winning a state championship. He comes to the gym at 5 a.m. to work out before school, stays until 7 p.m. afterward. It's all part of the plan. When the Aces lost in the playoffs the previous spring, Bryant stood in the locker room, interrupting the seniors as they hugged each other, and all but guaranteed a title, adding, "The work starts now." (Bryant remains so amped about his alma mater that when he taped a video message for the team a few years ago, it contained few of the usual platitudes and instead had Bryant reeling off a bunch of expletives and exhorting the boys to "take care of f------ business!")





During the Kobe era at Lower Merion no moment was inconsequential, no drill unworthy of ultimate concentration. In one practice during his senior year, "just a random Tuesday," as coach Downer recalls, Bryant was engaged in a three-on-three drill in a game to 10. One of his teammates was Rob Schwartz, a 5' 7" junior benchwarmer. With the game tied at nine, Schwartz had an opening, drove to the basket and missed, allowing the other side to score and win. "Now, most kids go to the water fountain and move on," says Downer. Not Bryant. He chased Schwartz into the hallway and berated him. It didn't stop there, either. "Ever get the feeling someone is staring at you -- you don't have to look at them, but you know it?" says Schwartz. "I felt his eyes on me for the next 20 minutes. It was like, by losing that drill, I'd lost us the state championship."





Bryant had already begun to coax teammates into staying late or coming in at odd hours so he could hone his skills. "We'd play games of one-on-one to 100," says Schwartz. "Sometimes he'd score 80 points before I got one basket. I think the best I ever did was to lose 100-12." Imagine the focus required to score 80 freakin' baskets before your opponent scores one. And Bryant's probably still pissed that Schwartz broke double digits.





It's 1996, and the Lakers call in Bryant, fresh off his senior prom -- he took pop singer Brandy, you might recall -- for a predraft workout at the Inglewood High gym. In attendance are G.M. Jerry West and two members of L.A.'s media relations staff, John Black and Raymond Ridder. Bryant is to play one-on-one against Michael Cooper, the former Lakers guard and one of the premier defenders in NBA history. Cooper is 40 years old but still in great shape, wiry and long and stronger than the teenaged Bryant. The game is not even close. "It was like Cooper was mesmerized by him," says Ridder, now the Golden State Warriors' executive director of media relations. After 10 minutes West stands up. "That's it, I've seen enough," Ridder remembers West saying. "He's better than anyone we've got on the team right now. Let's go."





It would be a pattern: Bryant bearing down on players he once idolized. At Magic Johnson's summer charity game in 1998 he went after Orlando Magic star Penny Hardaway so hard -- in a charity game -- that Hardaway spent the fall telling people he couldn't wait to play the Lakers so he could go back at Bryant. And, more famously, Kobe attempted to go one-on-one against Jordan in the '98 All-Star Game, waving off a screen from Karl Malone. Take your pick-and-rolling butt out of here; I've got Jordan iso'd! That one didn't go over so well with the Mailman. "When young guys tell me to get out of the way," Malone said at the time, "that's a game I don't need to be in." In Bryant's mind, however, no one is unbeatable. As a rookie with the Lakers, despite his coming straight out of high school, he approached Harris. "He said, 'Coach, if you just give me the ball and clear out, I can beat anybody in this league,' " recalls Harris. When that pitch didn't work, the 6' 6" Bryant returned. "Then he'd say, 'Coach, I can post up anybody who's guarding me. If you just get me in there and clear it out, I can post up anybody.' " Harris chuckles. "I said, 'Kobe, I know you can, but right now you can't do it at a high enough rate for the team we have, and I'm not going to tell Shaquille O'Neal to get out of the way so you can do this.' Kobe didn't like it. He understood it, but in his heart he didn't accept it."





It is 2000, and Bryant is an All-Star and franchise player. Still, after guard Isaiah Rider signs as a free agent, Bryant repeatedly forces him to play one-on-one after practice -- Bryant wins, of course -- to reinforce his alpha alpha male status. When six-time All-Star guard Mitch Richmond arrives the next year, he gets the same. "He was the man, and he wanted us to know it," says Richmond. "He was never mean or personal about it, it's just how he was."





Not that Bryant never loses, but beat him at your own risk. Decline a rematch and . . . well, that's not an option. "If you scored on him in practice or did something to embarrass him, he would just keep on challenging you and challenging you until you stayed after and played him so he could put his will on you and dominate you," says Shaw, Bryant's teammate from 1999 to 2003. This included not allowing players to leave the court. Literally. "He'd stand in our way and say, 'Nah, nah, we're gonna play. I want you to do that [move] again,' " Shaw says. "And you might be tired and say, 'Nah, I did it in practice.' But he was just relentless and persistent until finally you'd go play, and he'd go at you."





And just as he once did with Rob Schwartz, Bryant keeps NBA teammates after practice as guinea pigs. He unveils a spin move or a crossover or something else he has picked up watching tape and does it over and over and over. "The crazy thing about it is, he has the ability to put new elements in his game overnight," says George, a Laker from 1999 to 2006 and a frequent target of Kobe's requests. "He might say, 'Stay after and guard this move. Let me try it on you,' and he'll do it the next day in the game." George pauses to let this sink in. "Most of us, we'll try it alone, then we'll try it in practice, then in a scrimmage, and only then will we bring it out for a game. He'd do it the next day -- and it would work."





It's 2003, and Bryant is getting worked up in an interview while talking about a variation on a move: a jab step-and-pause, where you sink deep, hesitate to let the defender relax and, instead of bringing the jab foot back, push off it. Soon enough, Bryant is out of his chair and using the reporter as a defender on the carpeted floor. Then he has the reporter trying the move. Some people are Star Wars nerds; Bryant is a basketball nerd. "I think Kobe's actually a little bit embarrassed by his love of basketball," says Downer. "People called him a loner, but it's just that basketball is all he wants to focus on. I think he's part of a dying breed that loves the game that way."





That's why Bryant gets so excited to meet kindred souls. Asked last week about Spurs coach Gregg Popovich, Bryant's face lit up as he remembered the time he played for Pop. "I was really hoping he'd run us through one of those rigorous practices he does," said Bryant, who got his wish. By the way, Kobe was talking about practice for the '05 All-Star Game.





Now it's 2008, the Western Conference finals. Bryant is finally where he wants to be: an MVP playing on his team, no behemoth Hall of Famer to get in the way of post-ups, within reach of a title. He is also, by almost all accounts, the best player in the league. "It's not even close," says one Western Conference scout. "The difference between him and LeBron [James] is like [the one between] a Maserati and a Volvo."





The scout has other things to say about Bryant. For example, on his weaknesses: "Um, let me think . . . [long pause] . . . No, I don't think he has any." On his athleticism: "There are probably 10 [with more] in the league" -- he names Andre Iguodala, Josh Smith, Dwight Howard and J.R. Smith as examples -- "but no one uses his as well as Kobe. Just watch his footwork sometime." And on his focus: "There's a difference between loving basketball and liking basketball. There are only about 30 guys in the league who love it, who play year-round. Allen Iverson loves to play when the lights come on. Kobe loves doing the s--- before the lights come on."





This thing, this freakish compulsion, may be the hardest element of the game to quantify. There are no plus-minus stats to measure a player's ruthlessness, his desire to beat his opponent so badly he'll need therapy to recover. One thing's for sure: You can't teach it. If so, Eddy Curry would be All-NBA and Derrick Coleman would be getting ready for his induction ceremony in Springfield, Mass. But people know it when they see it. G.M.'s, coaches and scouts cite only a few others who have a similar drive -- Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett, Manu Ginóbili, Steve Nash, Chris Paul and Deron Williams -- though they make clear that none of those stars are in Kobe's league. (In an SI poll earlier this season Bryant was a runaway winner as the opponent players feared most, at 35%.)





Even some of the great ones lacked it. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar says that when he was young, rather than challenging everyone as Kobe does, he "just wanted peace." "I think it's a quirk of personality," says Abdul-Jabbar. "Some of us are like Napoleon, and some are Walter Mitty."





Idan Ravin, a personal trainer who works with Paul, Carmelo Anthony, Gilbert Arenas and Elton Brand and is known by some in the league as "the hoops whisperer" for his effect on players, has even broken killer instinct down into components: love of the game, ambition, obsessive-compulsive behavior, arrogance/ confidence, selfishness and nonculpability/ guiltlessness. He sees them all in Bryant.





"If he's a ruthless s.o.b., I kind of respect that," says Ravin. "Why should he be passing up opportunities? Why pass it to a guy who doesn't work as hard, who doesn't want it like you do?"





Even now, every little challenge matters to Bryant. Here he is at the end of a practice last week. Each Laker has to take a free throw. Everybody hits his except Bryant, who rims one out. The only shooter left is Derek Fisher, who shot 88.3% from the line this season. Bryant stands to the side of the basket, fidgeting. As Fisher's shot arcs toward the rim, Bryant suddenly takes two quick steps and leaps to goaltend the attempt. "Of course," forward Lamar Odom says later, "he couldn't be the only one to miss."





So, you see, this is Kobe, all of this. Sometimes childish, sometimes regal, sometimes stubborn, always relentless. This is a guy who, according to Nike spokesperson KeJuan Wilkins, had the company shave a couple of millimeters off the bottom of his signature shoe because "in his mind that gave him a hundredth of a second better reaction time." A guy who has played the last three months with a torn ligament in the pinkie of his shooting hand. A guy who, says teammate Coby Karl, considers himself "an expert at fouling without getting called for it." (Watch how Bryant uses the back of his hand, not the front, to push off on defenders and a closed-fist forearm to exert leverage.) A guy who says of being guarded by the physical Bowen, "It'll be fun" -- and actually means it. A guy who, no matter what he does, will never get the chance to play the one game he'd die for: Bryant versus Jordan, each in his prime. "There'd be blood on the floor by the end," says Winter, who has coached them both.





This is Kobe Bryant, age 29, in pursuit of his fourth NBA title. Even if it's hard for us to understand him, perhaps it's time that we appreciate him.

Kobe Bryant's killer instinct by Chad Ballard?
HE IS 29 AND OLD, BOUT TO BE 30 AND OVERRATED, NOT EVEN THE BEST IN THE NBA
Reply:Haha. You expect me to read all of that. Especially a article about Kobe? Pshh.
Reply:Your diction is verbal masterbation!
Reply:You could have just aked if anyone read the article. I thought it was very interesting, but not really surprising to hear that Kobe has an insane killer instinct and competitveness like Jordan. I thought his motivational video for Lower Merion was funny.
Reply:Kobe is considered the best because he is a flashy player, he flaunts all of his skill when he plays by doing tricky moves and crossovers etc. There are at least a few players in the same league as him, you only gotta look at the league top scorers to find out who


Global Warming's Real Problem, Please Read?

Say the hippies got what they wanted, an entire green planet with everyone doing their part to protect the plant and all living together in peace.








At the time of posting there are 6.8 billion people on this planet. In 1979, 29 years ago, there were 4.4 billion people and in 2037, 29 years from now, there will be an estimated 10.3 billion people on this planet. If anyone has looked at a population graph of the world, and has an IQ number higher than my shoe size, 14, you will know it to be an exponential graph. Which means that the population is increasing at and rapidly increasing rate. Then you would also understand the idea of carrying capacity. A simple definition of carrying capacity is “Carrying capacity refers to the number of individuals who can be supported in a given area within natural resource limits, and without degrading the natural social, cultural and economic environment for present and future generations (gdrc)” So basically, if you have more food, you can have more rabbits. If you have less food, some of your rabbits die from starvation, population decreases.








Does anyone see a problem?The UN itself said that the livestock sector generates more greenhouse gas emissions as measured in CO2 than transport (fao). "The global livestock sector is growing faster than any other agricultural sub-sector (fao)" So agriculture is growing fast, population is growing fast, CO2 is going to shot through the roof weather we stop driving or not.








This is the main reason that I don’t care if my 1969 dodge doesn’t pass smog, or if I burn plastic, Styrofoam, or fart.








Never, in history of the planet, has the whole world come together as a whole to do anything but kill each other. Say you do get the world to ban together and help the planet. So you are going to convince the whole world not to eat meat?








So I said all of that to say two things. The first one is best said by one of my favorite antagonists








"I'd like to share a revelation during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. (Agent Smith)”








My opinion on fixing the problem, everyone is entitled to one, is mass genocide. Why, because it’s either that, or the world will fail, which really doesn’t bother me either, because I will not be around.








Sources:http://www.fao.org/newsroom/en/news/2006...





http://www.ibiblio.org/lunarbin/worldpop





http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Livestock's...





http://www.gdrc.org/uem/footprints/carry...

Global Warming's Real Problem, Please Read?
What's your question?
Reply:"Never, in history of the planet, has the whole world come together as a whole to do anything but kill each other."





And rather ironically, that seems to be the answer to the question you pose.
Reply:World genocide? You're talking about mother nature making her correction to the overpopulation problem.





People forget that we're living organisms. The only law we ultimately live under is natures law.
Reply:You're definitely correct, mass genocide would be a highly efficient way to end the crisis. But who do we kill off? Obviously no body wants to die, but some people need to. This poses a problem, and trying to figure out who to kill off would likely lead to our own destruction. Problem solved! Wait....





Or:





Nature takes it course and our "boom" in population liekly leads to a "bust", which will ost definitley happen very soon. Either way, we're screwed as a species.
Reply:Okay, let's assume your most reasonable assumption to be the case, that human growth will continue according to your estimates, that no huge plague or famine will come along, that no country besides China introduces a one-child policy, that the naturaly population decline in prosperous Western European nations neither spreads nor intensifies, which as I say is reasonable, there are still some issues.


For a start your argument for not doing your bit to help reduce global warming ammounts to "it's pointless unless everyone else does it too and I'll probably be dead by then anyway". Really, for all you research, all your reasoning and rationalising, your argument boils down to "I can't be bothered" and is effectively a product of selfishness and laziness. Also you seem to disdain environmentalists, your use of the term hippies seems derisive. I'm guessing you are politically rather than scientifically motivated,but intelligent enough to realise that the "it's not happeneing" and "humans are not a cause" lines you were given for years are not true, but continue to emotionally attach yourself to one side of an issue and set about searchingfor reasons to support a position as close as you could find to your previous one. In other words you have use circular logic, and you ought to realise that that will never lend itself to a coherent argument. Also your willingness to support mass genocide points towards sociopathy (also hinted at by your apparent selfishness and use of the term hippies to dismiss others).


Incidentally, the UN report you cite excludes that the leading contributor to CO2 emissions is industry.


You asked for an opinion,I prefer conclusions,and based on your answer I conclude you are an intelligent but culturally deluded individual with a potential for sociopathic behaviour. I hope am incorrect regarding the sociopathy.


What kinds of things are tax deductible and how do you keep track of them?

For my husband's new job as an insurance agent, people have been telling us that there are lots of things that at the end of next year we can deduct from our taxes. I'll go to a tax place to have them do the paperwork part, but how do I know what to tell them to deduct? What kinds of things should we keep track of and how do you do it? Do I keep every single receipt? Do I just throw them in a shoe box or do I need to total them up at the end of each month? Should we just write them down instead? Do I need to keep work related expenses apart from charity donations? Do we need to write on each receipt what it was for and why (like gas receipts that are for work travel vrs. fun travel)? Help! I have no clue!

What kinds of things are tax deductible and how do you keep track of them?
You asked WAY too many questions to be answered on this website. Visit the IRS website and/or go to a tax attorney or preparer. And DON'T listen to what "people" tell you, advice-wise; only you and your husband know your financial situation, and it is YOUR responsibility to maintain your tax records (I'm a little curious: how did both of you handle your taxes before this?).
Reply:It's too general a question to get an answer here. But it might be worth paying a CPA for an hour or so of their time to have them explain what records you should keep and what might be deductible. Basically any expenses that are necessary and customary for his job would most likely be deductible. If he's driving as part of his job he should be keeping a mileage log, showing ALL miles driven every day, and how many are person, how many are commuting (home to the office and back) and how many are business (e.g. out from the office to client sites).





Your charitable donations, and any other itemized expenses that aren't related to business, will show on a different place on your tax return (on schedule A - business stuff will be on schedule C) butyou can keep them in the same shoebox if you want to. It will make things a lot easier if you write on each receipt what it was for.





Gas and other car expense receipts might not be worth keeping, especially if he's using the same car for business and for personal or commuting miles. You have the option of deducting a straight mileage allowance, which generally works out financially and saves you a lot of recordkeeping.
Reply:Read IRS Publication 334 to learn about business deductions.





Also, buy some basic accounting software like Quicken.

azalea

You know you're Italian when?

You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.





You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.





Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.





You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.





You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.





You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.





If someone in your family grows beyond 5'9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.





There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.





You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.








And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:





. Your grandfather had a fig tree.





. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.





. Christmas Eve . . . only fish.





. Your mom's meatballs are the best.





. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.





. Plastic on the furniture is normal.





. You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."





. You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."





. You've called someone a "mamaluke."





. And you understand "bada bing"

You know you're Italian when?
XD nice one
Reply:you talk with your hands haha yell instead of talking...lets go eat is used all the time, you have red furniture covered in plastic, alot of your friends are "connected " and i can go on and on.. alotta my friends are italians and there great..espeically the grandmas what food!!!! wow
Reply:your flag has only 1 colour on it, and you have been led, mistakenly, to believe that white is actually a colour.





ONLY JOKING YOU PAIR OF BIG..............cellmates, oops!


I know, assume the position!!
Reply:Similar to the Greek one
Reply:.... you hang furry dice from your rearview mirror, LOL...!!
Reply:LOL ! Everything went well until the end of your "joke". The "bada bing" and "mamaluke" is an all American/Italian thing. Nobody in Italy even understands that expression sweetie ! Sorry, I am an Italian born and bred ! LOL !
Reply:Ha ha stereotyping people is funny.
Reply:im italian!!! and proud. i dont think i had to tell u that cause u could have looked at my nickname.





wow all of that is pretty true. although on christmas eve we have more than fish andin my family my mom-mom is the best cook.
Reply:yes i do
Reply:haha, I live not far from Italy, this is so true and funny!!
Reply:my grandmother is Italian, She never says bada bing, and all her family is overseas!
Reply:Ehhhh. My dad just told me that I'm Italian. Sorry!!
Reply:Yeppers.


Im Italian
Reply:LOL ! You can't go wrong with "Clo is lovely!" she really is Italian and extremely proud of it !!
Reply:what's your question?
Reply:You've described some Italians who live in the U.S. Dovresti visitare me a Milano..............





Clo - hai ragione..non avevo mai sentito dire Bada Bing ecc.ecc. !
Reply:Aha!..
Reply:Haha!!! 100% Italian right here!!!!!
Reply:amd you grow a moustache to look like your mother
Reply:this would be easier if you actually asked a question lol but ur italian when you talk with your hands a got a bunch of italian friends
Reply:Wise Guy ehh..!? Forget about it..
Reply:You're Italian if.....you forget to ask a f***ing question...


Could someone please help edit my paper?

I am an applicant for the Borde Patrol, but I was found unsutable for the job. So I need to respond to a NOPA, and see what happends.





My name is xxxx xxxx. I am an applicant for the position of Border Patrol Agent. I am writing in response to a 01MAR08. According to the letter, there is one incident in my teenage history that raised suitability concerns, which is an example of immature misconduct in school. I intend to explain that during the time frame of 2005, I was, like many 17 year olds, a very immature and childish person. I take full responsibility for my lackluster performance during this time frame, and I hope to prove to you that I have long since grown up and become an upstanding asset to society.


While attending high school, I made some poor decisions regarding my choice of friends in my third year, which lead to my expulsion and arrest. As a juvenile, I never did realized that associating with the wrong type of crow could involved me in such a predicament in the future, especially to accomplish an ambition and aspiration of joining a law enforcement agency such as the United States Border Patrol. I was immature and unaware of the significant conflict a mediocre action and act of mine, could have, as I matured and took responsibility for my actions. Although I never did “jump-in” or formally entered the gang, I did associate with the members of the Sureno gang.


Please allow me the opportunity to address the following incident:


Issue 1:


On February 26, 2005, I was arrested by the Fresno Police Department, after a disturbance on campus between the Sureno and Bulldog Gangs. The incident initiated when members of the Bulldog gang began to verbally attack members from the Sureno gang from outside of campus. The group of Surenos and I were gather at a bench that was located in front of campus, when a security guard took notice of the verbal attacks the rival gang made. Carmen, a security guard at Roosevelt High School, approached the group of Surenos and I, and notified the group to calm down and ignored the verbal attacks. She stated that the Fresno Police Department had already been notified that an outside group of Bulldogs was verbally taunting students from the high school. After a couple of minutes, the number of security guards and police officers began to increase. Within the group of Surenos there was an ex-student that had been expelled from Roosevelt High School and was not supposed to be on or near campus. After the group took notice of that event, the ex-student gave me a gold color metal knuckle which I concealed in my left shoe. The ex-student then proceeded to exit the school campus through a back gate located at the southwest of campus. I and two other members of the Sureno Gang followed the ex-student to the back gate. As the group walked to the southwest gate, security guards took notice of the sudden departure and tried to stop the group. The group took notice of this, and sprinted to the gate. Near the gate, the group was approached by a security guard on a golf cart and told us to stop. I and the companions stopped, the ex-student continued and escaped without being capture. After being stopped, Vice Principal Vargas approached the group, questioned and searched the group. After searching the group, he discovered the hidden gold metal knuckle in my left shoe.


I do not blame anyone for my immature and lackluster performance that occurred in high school. I understand that I was not obligated to take possession and/or concealed the metal knuckle in my shoe. As I did, I took full responsibility for my actions and accepted the punishment as such.


After being arrested and expelled, the juvenile court gave me a misdemeanor and sentence me to a year of probation along with probation school. During year of probation, I had to meet with my Probation Officer Juan Flores each month, not associate or be near gang members, along with other conditions.


The year of probation and probation school made a significant difference in my life. Not only was I separated from the bad influences that surrounded me at school, but it also furnished the opportunity to exceed academically and in attendance. Probation school transformed my way of thinking. I was not surrounded by students who wish to exceed academically, but with students who did not careless for their futures. I saw the disrespect the students showed to the teachers, whose only ambition was to help the students exceed in life and academically. I realized that I was not a bad person; I was just heading in the wrong direction. Probation school changed my life.


After completing my year of probation and probation school, I enrolled at Reedley Community College. At this community college, I completed two years of education and obtained my Associates of Art degree. In addition, in the year 2006 I was in the Dean’s list for achieving a GPA of more that 3.50. Currently I am attending Fresno State University.


With this letter, I will enclose all the documents with which I will try to demonstrate that I have mature and taken action to pursue my dream of joining the United States Border Patrol. The documents that will be enclosed with this letter are:


• Grades from high school.


• Grades from probation school.


• Grades from college and university.


The above documents will illustrate a significant difference in maturity from the low academic achievements received in high school to the improvements that I have undergone through.


More than three years have past since my arrest. During those years I have continue to help my parents at our family business. And I have not been involve in any criminal activities or associated with any gang members since then. Presently, as stated before, I am currently attending Fresno State University, where I plan to obtain my Bachelor of Science degree in Criminology.

Could someone please help edit my paper?
Yeah, sorry. Way too long.





However, I do know that admitting a past affiliation to a criminal organization excludes you from law enforcement. Especially federal. This is probably in your criminal history and why you were rejected in the first place.





But considering how far you've come in life, I wouldn't let this one exclusion get you down. Good luck!
Reply:It may not exclude you from law enforcement in some states, counties, or cities, and probably won't from military service, which has its own law enforcement, so keep looking. I wish you the best.





Thanx for BA! :) Report It

Reply:sorry, too long.


If The Shoe Fits Wear It! "American Gangster"?

The New York DEA is complaining that their name is being dragged through the mud because of the way they were depicted in the movie “American Gangster”. They’re complaining about the credit at the end of the movie, which states three fourths of the DEA was convicted with the help of Frank Lucas, because of their own criminal activities.





I did see the movie and was under the impression that this was a fact based movie from real life experiences from both Frank Lucas and Richie Roberts (played by Crowe). I did believe the statement at the end of the movie too. Are they trying to say that there were “NO” corrupt DEA agents convicted? Just how many where convicted and how many went untouched. I think when you do those figures you will have your three-fourths if not more. Who really cares any way? One rotten apple can mess it up for the whole bunch; so why even bother to fight to have it removed from the credits. The damage is done. If you want to blame someone, blame those crooked DEA that left the stain in the first place. I think their missing the point. What’s your opinion?

If The Shoe Fits Wear It! "American Gangster"?
I agree. Weather the #'s are inflated or not is really beside the point. I DO have respect for "good" cops. But most of us at some point or another has most likely witnessed a cop using their authority to their own personal benefit. Face it, a badge doesn't make you a saint. And why should they be portrayed that way? If a BIG share of the DEA was crooked, why should that fact be hidden? I hate that so many things get swept under the rug....
Reply:Maybe you're right
Reply:Not only is the DEA crooked. The movie was set 40 years ago, so at the worst they are implying that the DEA was crooked back then. They shouldn't get so offended.
Reply:Hollywood can and will write about anything controveraial and blow things all out of proportion. At least in "Lord of War" much is taught about where immigrants REALLY settle so much for that "we have lots of room in the boondocks for immigrants"...we always will because 99% settle in big cities in Little Odessa, Little Nigeria. Little Siagon,etc.


But I digress, H'wood loves to take a story like DEA agent takes bribe 'cause his retirement stinks and this helps the Unions get higher pay but retirements can and do get pilferred and robbed by those supposedly guarding the money. I suppose the Federal Gov't steps in to reimburse embezzled pension money if only in the retired officers' dreams.


Not that anyone condones or approves of bribes. Look how much mileage that $50 bill on the back of drivers' license got toward defaming hundreds of police in major cities.


Police do a better job of policing and punishing their own than lawyers who disparege doctors a lot. Call a lawyer for your medical problem?
Reply:I agree with you. Ppl knew these facts about the DEA BEFORE seeing the movie!
Reply:The NYPD was corrupt then and its corrupt now.
Reply:i personally know a fellow service member who served in the


south american jungles wher large amounts of pot and coke are grown and produced for shipment to the united states. he was instructed to burn this field, but not that one. why? because you can recieve favors whith mone ,sex,and even the drugs themselves. dea aagents are not searched by customs coming back into the country. this goverment is more corrupt than the columbian drug lords!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply:I am old enough to remember when this happened in the late 70's. NYC had a bad reputation because of all the corrupt public officials and servants at that time. I believe right after this is when the campaign naming NYC the Big Apple started.





Of course shortly after that Miami grabbed the top spot as evil city with the cocaine trafficking and the headlines "paradise lost" in Newsweek.
Reply:i 100% agree with you!!! i am giving you a star for it!!!


Whats in a name....?

A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "O.K. kid show me what you do". The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.





"Great kid! Just great!" says the agent "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"





The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian".





"Excuse me?" questions the agent.





"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.





"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."





Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.





A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?"





With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it".





"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"





"Dick Van Dyke."

Whats in a name....?
wow..please tell me that didn't come from YOU... :(
Reply:good one .lol
Reply:LOL and I've just finished watching Diagnosis Murder so good timing!!
Reply:lol
Reply:lol
Reply:hahaha, love it!
Reply:BBBBBBBBBBBooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... you suck!!!!!!
Reply:lol gud but not as good as the rest
Reply:nice
Reply:zzzzzz
Reply:rflao

lily

Bob marley Fact or fiction?

ok look i heard he did not die because of just cancer i heard he was assassinated by the US goverment. Here is what i read...Bob Marley was a peace maker and was gainst wars he was a very religious persone who was apart of rastafarian beleifs. The US goverment did not like his "style" so they hired a CIA agent to kill him when he got injured on his toe they some how put anthrax in his shoe to provoque cancer. Is this true???

Bob marley Fact or fiction?
Garbage, he died of cancer
Reply:No, don't believe that. Some weirdo just made that up.
Reply:In July 1977, Marley was found to have malignant melanoma in a football wound on his right hallux (big toe). Marley refused amputation, citing worries that the operation would affect his dancing, as well as the Rastafari belief that the body must be "whole":


“ Rasta no abide amputation. I don't allow a man to be dismantled. ”





—From the biography Catch a Fire





Marley may have seen medical doctors as samfai. True to this belief Marley went against all surgical possibilities and sought out other means that would not break his religious beliefs. He also refused to register a will, based on the Rastafari belief that writing one acknowledged death as inevitable and disregarded the everlasting character of life.





The cancer then spread to Marley's brain, lungs, liver, and stomach. After playing two shows at Madison Square Garden as part of his fall 1980 Uprising Tour, he collapsed while jogging in NYC's Central Park. Marley afterwards sought medical help from Munich specialist Josef Issels, but his cancer had already progressed to the terminal stage.
Reply:Can't say it's true for sure but it sounds like something they might do!
Reply:hell no,thats bull,dont believe it,im jamaican and my parents are friends of his fam
Reply:It's just another conspiracy theory.
Reply:I doubt it!!
Reply:nah man marley coulda either been a footbal player or a singer , and i dotn know how he became the singer but thats what he went with, he still played football, and he got a disease in his foot, that didnt get cured all the way and they wanted to amputate the motherfuker off , and he went to long with it and got a tumor in his brain which led to his death,


Is Elizabeth Hurley an agent of the d evil?

http://movies.yahoo.com/mv/news/ap/20070...





The summary to those who don't want to read the link. She is evil for not taking her shoes of at some Hindu ritual during her wedding.





It's kind of funny, but at the same time is a good reminder as to why religious dogma is so f ing idiotic.

Is Elizabeth Hurley an agent of the d evil?
she's hot- definitely on my list.... Oh you know what list I'm talking about jeeze!!
Reply:I don't think it's really dogma that's at issue so much as respect. How attached is she to those shoes? Maybe something went wrong in planning like he never mentioned that would happen. Who knows. But...if I visit somebody's temple I will do what is customary there out of respect.





But God could never ever hold a grudge against such a beautiful woman.
Reply:All I can think of is her juicy knockers.





Anything else about her means nothing to me.
Reply:Yeah, very true. Richard Gere kissed a TV show host on the cheek, and India is trying to crucify the poor guy.
Reply:If this is such a big deal, why didnt her husband tell her, "by the way dear, dont do such and such its an insult."?
Reply:if it's so idiotic then why do you care if she took off her shoes or not??
Reply:Elizabeth Hurley, mmmmmmm, she can shred her clothes AND every religious dogma as far as I'm concerned. yummy.


Liberal Republicans: What do you think about: "Fidel Castro Leading Cuba's Biggest Anti-American March"?

Wearing white tennis shoes and his trademark olive-green military garb, Castro strode off at exactly 8 a.m. (8 a.m. EDT) at the head of a sea of demonstrators marching past Washington's diplomatic mission on Havana's sea-front Malecon boulevard.





The march was billed by the ruling Communist Party as a protest against all U.S. ``aggressions and crimes'' since Castro's 1959 revolution -- ranging from the long-running economic embargo to this year's jailing of five Cuban agents, accused of spy-related charges.





``Down with the genocidal blockade! ... End the terrorism against Cuba! ... Free the heroes who defend their people from death!'' chanted the marchers, waving flags and wearing T-shirts with pictures of the five agents jailed in Miami.





The state-organized protest was the centerpiece of national celebrations of the 48th anniversary of Castro's July 26, 1953, attack on the Moncada Barracks, a botched operation that nevertheless launched his armed uprising against former Cuban dictator Fulgencio Batista.





The 74-year-old Castro, whose June 23 fainting at a public rally fueled rumors over his health and speculation about who would succeed him, looked stern-faced but healthy.





Castro marched in the sun beside members of a visiting Iranian delegation and other senior Cuban communist leaders.

Liberal Republicans: What do you think about: "Fidel Castro Leading Cuba's Biggest Anti-American March"?
They want you to send them information so they can join that march.
Reply:Cuba has no value.
Reply:Well as a Capitalist/Libertarian..I really don't think much about it at all, other than I laugh at the fact the STATE has to organize and lead these so called protests.





What I DO think about is how GREAT Cuba will once again be after the Beard and his cronies become room Temp, and the silly, ineffective sanctions end.





Fidel secretly Thanks God for the USA every damned day, for the US is the PRIME reason Fidel is still there. These silly and misguided sanctions have given him all the ammo he needs to keep a people focused on an alien causation of their problems, and ignorant to the internal oppression that has made what was once the wealthiest country in the Caribbean now one of the poorest.





Cuba and her people have a greatness Fidel has squandered for far to long, and sadly US Politicians have parlayed the Cuban situation into Votes at home and have no intention of upsetting this generational vote producing apple cart by lifting sanctions and showing the Cuban people exactly what they have been missing.





Wealth and prosperity for Cuba are just moments away with the Beards death, and with sensible, open market, non-interference politics from the US. Viva La Capitalism!
Reply:Bush is too busy not finding bin Laden to care about Castro or his human rights violations.
Reply:If I were Fidel, I would be looking towards Venezuela, not the US for the next invasion of Cuba. Chavez has a real preoccupation towards Cuba, especially since old Fidal almost checked out a couple of months ago. Chavez knows that Raul isn't strong enough to hold it together, so he figured it would be easy pickins once Fidel crapped out.





The old buzzard fooled everyone, even me and Chavez! I just want to open a casino there when Fidel is pushing the grass, up ! Chavez, on the other hand, sees some serious competition with Iran romancing Fidel. He doesn't like it one bit, after all, the N. American continent is his turf, he doesn't go around the middle east raising hell, why does Ahmadinejad have to come here and spoil Chavez's agenda !
Reply:It's "much ado about nothing", in my opinion. Just another in an endless array of marches since Fidel came to power. Seen one, you've seen them all.
Reply:He did well,it was a great show.
Reply:Ya lost me at ''liberal republicans".
Reply:Hopefully he will drop dead in the Cuban heat.
Reply:The only thing Cuban worth a crap is a cigar.


.
Reply:Even though I'm a conservative, Fidel kicks as much *** as Hugo Chavez and Chuck Norris.
Reply:Thanks the American Blockade, Cuba is so poor and it is used for Prisions like Guantanamo, or as an international red whore house... where sex workers are called Jineteras, and Campesinos are called Guajiros,... In other words, Cuba is enslaved by the Mexican-American New World Order Empire.
Reply:After the end of the Cold war, Cuba became a Banana Republic and Ex-CIA Fidel Castro Ruz became a Banana Puppet . The Blockade is needed to exploit Cubans.
Reply:Just shows who his friends are...Was Pelosi invited???


Castro has lead many Anti-American rallies..No one pays him any attention, except those that are our enemies ( Iran)
Reply:Don't fool ourselves with all the past interference concerning dop and torture camps, school of Americas - we are in big trouble. Even England, Wales and Italy wants the torture camps stopped as rising anti-Am is rising all over thks to u-no-who.


What's your zodiac sign? (Is this true about you)?

Aries


Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born.


They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses.





Taurus


You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts.


The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God.





Gemini


Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses.


Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius.





Cancer


You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation.


A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans





Leo


You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos.


A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls.





Virgo


You are a pain in the ***. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor.


Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ***. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo.





Libra


You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards.


The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all.





Scorpio


You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt.


Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it.





Sagittarius


Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church.


Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip.





Capricorn


Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard.


In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's ******** system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns





Aquarius


The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do.


Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians.





Pisces


Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer.


Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your *** and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.

What's your zodiac sign? (Is this true about you)?
taurus in the house. lol





i guess it ..kinda sounds like me





(im not only saying that cuz taurus sounds bad there)





but.. it's partly true.. the other half is like "wat? o.O`"
Reply:OMG this was so true for me (taurus) and I know a little bit about astrology and I found it SOO true. ALL OF IT! HILARIOUS. Report It

Reply:Please tell me where you found this! Report It

Reply:hilarious, silly very exaggerated but apparently necessary to keep anyone reading . i hope u found funny. but if not please do not write such fabricated and fictional stories that are so unheard of Report It

Reply:I am a Cancer and that didn't really sound like me. A few parts, but not really.
Reply:not all of it, i am always changing my mind, im on meds, but im not a partier, im quiet, im a good driver





Gemini
Reply:I think you have a Bundle o' Problems. :)
Reply:capricorn and very true on some things
Reply:I'm a libra, and it is semi-accurate (not completely, though).
Reply:yes i am saggi and some of it is true...very true infact
Reply:cancer
Reply:Sag, and that's 100% correct.
Reply:Im Virgo, and im the opposite lol!! I was born on the cusp of Libra though, so i'll read that one and come back . .





Uh, no. not true either lol!!
Reply:thanks so im a sagi born into the wrong gender. i think i shall throw expensive food!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





but maby u have a point. my avatar is male and i am female
Reply:Sagittarius


Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church.


Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip.





nope i dont see anything similar except i am very stylish... lol jk
Reply:I am a Scorpia and yes it is true.
Reply:The Taurus one doesn't sound like me at all, sorry.
Reply:im Libran... and no.. im not that kind of person as mentioned.. lol
Reply:i'm virgo..yup
Reply:Some was true! Some definitely was not!
Reply:Gemini, no that dosent describe me.
Reply:am a Leo !!!





think i am gonna go kill myself now








all the best


Ian :)
Reply:pisces..so true!! especially:





You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like.





You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address.





many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your ***





Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck.
Reply:I'm a taurean.





i'm completely open n honest. i've grown t b somewhat comfortable wit myself, i'm a nature girl, i'm very passive cuz i'm skinny n couldn't win if i tried t fight, i second guess my inner beauty as i think i'm imperfect n somewhat insufficient, but with almost every person i meet, i am reassured i'm a beautiful spirit, so no, it's not true, i don't think my zodiac sign defines me, but socialization does.
Reply:Taurus





Some true some not.. I'm a mix of all i guess
Reply:scorpio. no not at all
Reply:OMGAWDDDDD !!!!!!!! that was hilarious... (Scorpio) here


I really do eat coffee out of the bag with a spoon, no kidding.. I don't swear (alot), or hack, or play lottery. I have a high sex drive, and don't ever tell me that Star Trek isn't real , or Lord of the Rings, King Arthur, or all those movies I love..





and yes, I am waiting to be abducted by aliens.. but they don't find me much of a challenge..or interesting.


I don't smoke...
Reply:leo


i do do the things about tlkin like buttin in to convos n i thought bout lockin my bf up in the bathroom cupboard but i wus extremly shocked because all the things about leos being physco, crazy, and self-absorbed are far from the truth! its crazy to post such rude things n u should b ashamed of urself. this was the rudest thing ive read on this website.





i agree w/ erin this is mean!





that necrophillia (learn to spell) thing was extremly disgusting! n how would u possibly kno (u or the stupid person u got this from) those kind of statistics! ur insane n u probably have tons o problems!





o n also i may b loud buh i dont have a cleft upper lip, slimmy nose, n i sure as HECK dont crap under trees...
Reply:libra. all true.
Reply:i am an aries and im stubborn as hell... so that much is right.. my best friend is a scorpio and we get on great so that bit is wrpng.,.
Reply:I am an Aquarius... Most of what u said was true... dude, man that was some real $hit...
Reply:I'm a Pisces. Only a couple things could be true if you tried to compare to a rare event in my life. But mostly, not even close.





But, a friend of mine who is very into astrology says I am very unlike a Pisces and was probably meant to be something else.
Reply:picsec or summin like that
Reply:Wow, reading this I wish I wasn't a Saggitarian. All the things about being a Saggitarian were negative! THUNDERPOOPER? Although that might be true. :0 I am not a true adventurer!

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So I think I got it...my new home; first time buyer...?

Well last week I asked whether or not my good faith commitment letter was solid or not. Now my question is it really mine? I signed the POS and then my real estate agent went to Vegas without dropping it off. However my check for a good faith offer of $500. has been cashed and my bank stated it will only take 3 days from the time they get the POS and my condo docs to order the appraisal and send a commitment letter. Also we are yo yoing w/the closing date but the latest is March 15. The bank says they will be ready by the 5th. So I did it right? It is mine all mine? I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so I just need a little back up. I know a lot of you have way more knowledge on these matters then I do, and I really want to start packing. What do you think? Thanks so much for any and all thoughts!!!!!!

So I think I got it...my new home; first time buyer...?
Whats up with your agent?


He left without dropping off your contracts.


I would be p$%%ed, What kind of agent is he/she? I would have second thoughts about using an agent who left for vacation with out dropping off my contracts, or at least leaving the file in good hands for another agent to take over.


None the less, it sounds like you will close, everything sounds good, but as stated above, its not a deal until funds transfer hands.


Good luck,


RE Agent,


Remax
Reply:It's not yours until you go to closing. Right now, it sounds like you made your offer and it was accepted so far.
Reply:http://www.breakingbubble.com/





The shoe will drop after you find out your are under water.





Best of luck
Reply:Nothing is transferred until the close. Only when the funds exchange hands does the property exchange hands. Too many things can happen so I would not say for sure this is a done deal. Contact your realtor's boss - see what they say. If there's money around someone will know where it is.


Science QUIZ!!!!!!!?

: What was presented itself as a problem during early blood tests? (Around 1875)


microscopic examination could not be applied to dried blood


all of these


human blood could not be distinguished from animal blood


blood types could not be identified








2: Can a person with type A blood safely be transfused with type O blood?


Yes


No


--


--








3: Your blood type appears only in your blood.


True


False


--


--








4: DNA is found wherever red blood cells are present.


True


False


--


--








5: What system used by the FBI compiles DNA of known violent offenders from all over the nation and can be used to match DNA with a sample found at a crime scene?


AFIS


DNAW


CODIS


CDDB








6: A person with RH protein on their blood cells can be infused with blood without the RH protein.


True


False


--


--








7: Take this scenario: A woman gets out of bed, watches TV, talks on the phone, pets her cat, and then shoots her husband. She hides the gun and runs away. Which object would be most useful to the forensic serologist in finding out who the woman was?


the TV


the cat


the phone


the TV remote








8: You can alter your DNA so it will appear to be different.


True


False


--


--








9: Why is adequate lighting important when photographing evidence?


To ensure the fingerprints are clearly captured


To uncover latent fingerprints


To get a good close-up shot of the evidence


--








10: Why is it so important for investigators to secure a crime scene?


To stop police from entering the crime scene


To stop unauthorized personnel from entering the crime scene and, in turn, destroying the evidence.


To stop evidence from escaping


--








11: What important aspects about a person can a shoe print reveal?


The person’s age and personality


The type of weapon they carried


The person’s height, gait and the direction they entered and exited the crime scene.


--








12: What happens to evidence once it has been found?


It is sealed in a bag or airtight container, labeled, recorded


It is destroyed and thrown away


It is taken straight to the laboratory


--








13: Forensic odontologists specialize in:


The examination of evidence


The examination of bugs


The examination of teeth


--








14: What are thymine, cytosine, adenine and guanine?


Agents used when recovering latent fingerprints


Bases that make up a strand of DNA


Poisonous chemicals that may be present once a building has been burned down.


--








15: The term �rigor mortis’ refers to:


The Latin word for �responsible for death’


A term used to describe the stiffening of the body after death.


The death of a person


--








16: What is polygraph testing?


Measure the body’s response to stress


Measuring the body’s response to crime scene photos


Measuring the body’s response to interview questions


--








17: What is a method used to recover latent fingerprints?


Dyes and stains


Powders and tape


A chemistry unit


--








18: A toxicologist is responsible for:


Examining the organs during an autopsy


Testing blood and bodily fluids for alcohol, illegal substances and poisoning


Investigating whether a person died of natural causes


--








19: Which of the following are the basic fingerprint patterns?


Scar, whorl and loop


Whorl, loop and arch


Scar, loop and arch


Tent, Scar and loop








20: What statement is true?


No two firearms produce the same unique marks on fired bullets and cartridge cases.


Study of bullets and cartridges can on tell you the type of gun it came from not the specific gun.


Firearms normally change over time so the firearm test needs to be completed with in a year or so of the crime.


All firearms leave consistent reproducible marks.

Science QUIZ!!!!!!!?
Is this your homework? Im not doing your homework for you thats cheating
Reply:I'm NOT helping you cheat. Go do your HW and study. FYI, you can't cheat through life.
Reply:1 all of these


2 yes


3 false


4 false because red blood doesn't contain DNA but it would have to be a really tiny amount of blood to have no DNA.


5 codis


6


7 the phone


8 false


9 to get a good closeup


10 to stop unauthorized people destroying contaminating evidence


11 height gate direction


12 sealed labeled stored


13 teeth


14 bases


15 stiff body after death


16 response to stress


17 powders and tape


18 testing


19 whorl loop arch ?


20 all firearms leave consistent reproducible marks from the firing pin and the groves in the rifling.
Reply:1. all of these


2 yes


3 false


4 true


5 don't know. eBay?


6 true


7 the husband. He knows what she looks like. (you didn't say she killed him)


8 true. If a person has an organ transplant, that organ will have different DNA


9 all of the above


10 all of the above


11 the person's height, gait, and direction


12 That depends. If it's New York city, it gets destroyed. If it's a small hicks-ville police department, the contents of the plastic bag might be misconstrued to be the chief's lunch.


13 examine teeth


14 make up DNA


15 stiffening of body after death


16 body response to interview questions


17 powders and tape


18 all of the above


19 whorl, loop and arch


20 all guns leave consistent reproducible marks


What's your zodiac sign? (Is this true about you)?

I’m a Sagittarius!! Damn ******* TRUE!





Aries


Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born.


They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses.





Taurus


You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts.


The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God.





Gemini


Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses.


Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius.





Cancer


You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation.


A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans





Leo


You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos.


A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls.





Virgo


You are a pain in the ***. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor.


Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ***. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo.





Libra


You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards.


The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all.





Scorpio


You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt.


Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it.





Sagittarius


Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church.


Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip.





Capricorn


Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard.


In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's ******** system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns





Aquarius


The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do.


Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians.





Pisces


Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer.


Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your *** and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.

What's your zodiac sign? (Is this true about you)?
Gemini





And no it's not true about me
Reply:Hellz yeah! :] Report It

Reply:teh who are you callin pain in the *** none of that is true about me and i'am a virgo iam very sloppy i dont give a **** and i dnt make up lame jokes like that u ****** got my mad **** you you ****** dumb ****!!!! i dont clean and i aint a pain in the *** iam very unorganized Report It

Reply:im an born on the cusp making me capercorn and aquarius my moon is in aquarius and my rising is leo


i agreee with the leo aquarius and ccapricorn definition! Report It

Reply:LMAO!!! I am Pisces hear me roar! Screw Leo! LOL J/K! But it is close to me with a few things different but I think that is more to do with the other signs in my chart. 1st is I have internal GPS so I can find my way out of anywhere and 2nd I can find the little dipper to! LOL Yes I do debate things but my favorite come back to people is prove your side because when they can't then who is to say that I am wrong? OH and yes I have a great sense of humor and I can be very sarcastic in a funny way though but I can also unleash the asshole if the situation arises. One thing I have been told is I am horrible to get into a argument with because I don't hold back and I go right for the jugular. But to me if some one wants to start something then you get what you ask for so simply put don't start crap if you don't want to hear things that hurt. Just to point out I will never start an argument ever i would rather just let it go but people sometime persist in it so I want to finish it.
Reply:Aquarius--That was the most entertaining horoscope ever! Although it wasn't entirely true, I do love to be naked. When I was younger, I was often jealous of men because it is socially acceptable for them to walk around topless.
Reply:I'm sag, and there are bits that are true, but not all of it.





You don't really believe that Jesus was a Capricorn, do you?
Reply:Cover up the signs, and each one applies/doesn't apply just as much as the next. No, my sign isn't very accurate.
Reply:HAHAHA Thats the most funniest star signs shite i ever read





im a Aries and your sooo full of shite..well kinda, lol


actually i agree with alot about you said about Taurus, thats so damn true (i cant stand them anyway)


and Geminis" Geminis vandalize their own houses" HAHAHAAAAAAA...Man you make me laugh..seeya
Reply:I'm a Sagittarius, and that is SO me (except for the transvestite thing). Especially the whole vomit/pooper thing. I'm like--look, don't act as if you've never done it before! You can stand at the door and listen if you want to, but I wouldn't recommend it! And I've always thought that about New York too, seeing as I'm from there. And also, it really is quite impossible for me to be unhip!





All in all, it was hilarious, lol!
Reply:Capricorn....And no it's not true about me
Reply:Hahaha Im a gemini


I think its all rubbish...
Reply:im a sagittariuos too! im adventurers and and have tons of nicknames. thats about it. i think? did not finish reading.
Reply:Sagitarrius and yes, it is somewhat true.


The Aquarian one is somewhat true for me as well and Aquarius is my rising.


The Leo one is somewhat true as well because Leo is my moon.





I found the Sag one quite humourous.


It is slightly true.
Reply:I'm a Libra, and the only parts I can relate to are: Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. (I'm one of them).





Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. (I couldn't explain that but I still manage to retain a good deal of brain power while drunk, it's true).
Reply:although that was kinda funny, I find it all false. Although the sag one was slightly true! lol and Virgos definitely was the most accurate one out of all of them.
Reply:Im a scorpio and No its not true about me~
Reply:Sagittarius.





hahahahaha. Dude, that's funny!





....because it's true! (Well, most of it)





Also, I have a "friend" who's a Scorpio...and that description couldn't describe her more clearly. HAHA. =))





Where'd you find this? I've been trying to look for something like this, like astrology humor.
Reply:I'm a Libra and this is very true about me but a couple of things you were wrong about.
Reply:LOL Pisces ....to an extent..


**
Reply:I'M A SCORPIO AND THE INFOMATION IS NOT TRUE! U MADE THIS DIDN'T U? LOOK I'M ALREADY MAD AT SOMEONE DON'T MAKE ME EVEN MORE ANGRY!
Reply:Im a Capricorn, Thats not True about me.
Reply:cap. + that is totally not true. whoever made that up really wasted there time..
Reply:ur a funny guy for writing all that. lol im aries i think wait let me check and oh yea it was true because i do have a creative mind.
Reply:LOL, Good chuckle out of that, it was right on the mark! :D
Reply:virgo and it is so true obsessive compulsive cleaner i can not help it
Reply:hahah I'm a pisces.Some of the things aren't me at all.Others are me to a t.
Reply:I'm a Cancer. I read a couple things that were true, but for the most part that description didn't fit me all. Everyone that knows me will tell you that I'm NOBODY'S doormat! I don't tolerate that sh*t for one second. It was an interesting read though. =)
Reply:You bad guy!
Reply:a cancer. basically true but exaggerated to the effect of twisted. its comical, though. =)
Reply:I'm a Gemini, not a schitzo but people do love me, don't moon people but will fight with a child if I have to, and yes I am loud and yes I do want to be heard, don't drive a funny car but have got into a car rick b/c I was busy looking at a this girls big totos while driving
Reply:im a gemini and it's absolutely true to me :)
Reply:Your a loser ! You were so wrong about Cancer's, jerk !
Reply:Is this some kind of joke?


FAIL.

lilac