Could someone please help edit my paper?

I am an applicant for the Borde Patrol, but I was found unsutable for the job. So I need to respond to a NOPA, and see what happends.





My name is xxxx xxxx. I am an applicant for the position of Border Patrol Agent. I am writing in response to a 01MAR08. According to the letter, there is one incident in my teenage history that raised suitability concerns, which is an example of immature misconduct in school. I intend to explain that during the time frame of 2005, I was, like many 17 year olds, a very immature and childish person. I take full responsibility for my lackluster performance during this time frame, and I hope to prove to you that I have long since grown up and become an upstanding asset to society.


While attending high school, I made some poor decisions regarding my choice of friends in my third year, which lead to my expulsion and arrest. As a juvenile, I never did realized that associating with the wrong type of crow could involved me in such a predicament in the future, especially to accomplish an ambition and aspiration of joining a law enforcement agency such as the United States Border Patrol. I was immature and unaware of the significant conflict a mediocre action and act of mine, could have, as I matured and took responsibility for my actions. Although I never did “jump-in” or formally entered the gang, I did associate with the members of the Sureno gang.


Please allow me the opportunity to address the following incident:


Issue 1:


On February 26, 2005, I was arrested by the Fresno Police Department, after a disturbance on campus between the Sureno and Bulldog Gangs. The incident initiated when members of the Bulldog gang began to verbally attack members from the Sureno gang from outside of campus. The group of Surenos and I were gather at a bench that was located in front of campus, when a security guard took notice of the verbal attacks the rival gang made. Carmen, a security guard at Roosevelt High School, approached the group of Surenos and I, and notified the group to calm down and ignored the verbal attacks. She stated that the Fresno Police Department had already been notified that an outside group of Bulldogs was verbally taunting students from the high school. After a couple of minutes, the number of security guards and police officers began to increase. Within the group of Surenos there was an ex-student that had been expelled from Roosevelt High School and was not supposed to be on or near campus. After the group took notice of that event, the ex-student gave me a gold color metal knuckle which I concealed in my left shoe. The ex-student then proceeded to exit the school campus through a back gate located at the southwest of campus. I and two other members of the Sureno Gang followed the ex-student to the back gate. As the group walked to the southwest gate, security guards took notice of the sudden departure and tried to stop the group. The group took notice of this, and sprinted to the gate. Near the gate, the group was approached by a security guard on a golf cart and told us to stop. I and the companions stopped, the ex-student continued and escaped without being capture. After being stopped, Vice Principal Vargas approached the group, questioned and searched the group. After searching the group, he discovered the hidden gold metal knuckle in my left shoe.


I do not blame anyone for my immature and lackluster performance that occurred in high school. I understand that I was not obligated to take possession and/or concealed the metal knuckle in my shoe. As I did, I took full responsibility for my actions and accepted the punishment as such.


After being arrested and expelled, the juvenile court gave me a misdemeanor and sentence me to a year of probation along with probation school. During year of probation, I had to meet with my Probation Officer Juan Flores each month, not associate or be near gang members, along with other conditions.


The year of probation and probation school made a significant difference in my life. Not only was I separated from the bad influences that surrounded me at school, but it also furnished the opportunity to exceed academically and in attendance. Probation school transformed my way of thinking. I was not surrounded by students who wish to exceed academically, but with students who did not careless for their futures. I saw the disrespect the students showed to the teachers, whose only ambition was to help the students exceed in life and academically. I realized that I was not a bad person; I was just heading in the wrong direction. Probation school changed my life.


After completing my year of probation and probation school, I enrolled at Reedley Community College. At this community college, I completed two years of education and obtained my Associates of Art degree. In addition, in the year 2006 I was in the Dean’s list for achieving a GPA of more that 3.50. Currently I am attending Fresno State University.


With this letter, I will enclose all the documents with which I will try to demonstrate that I have mature and taken action to pursue my dream of joining the United States Border Patrol. The documents that will be enclosed with this letter are:


• Grades from high school.


• Grades from probation school.


• Grades from college and university.


The above documents will illustrate a significant difference in maturity from the low academic achievements received in high school to the improvements that I have undergone through.


More than three years have past since my arrest. During those years I have continue to help my parents at our family business. And I have not been involve in any criminal activities or associated with any gang members since then. Presently, as stated before, I am currently attending Fresno State University, where I plan to obtain my Bachelor of Science degree in Criminology.

Could someone please help edit my paper?
Yeah, sorry. Way too long.





However, I do know that admitting a past affiliation to a criminal organization excludes you from law enforcement. Especially federal. This is probably in your criminal history and why you were rejected in the first place.





But considering how far you've come in life, I wouldn't let this one exclusion get you down. Good luck!
Reply:It may not exclude you from law enforcement in some states, counties, or cities, and probably won't from military service, which has its own law enforcement, so keep looking. I wish you the best.





Thanx for BA! :) Report It

Reply:sorry, too long.